Saturday, June 30, 2007

A hard day's iPhone

I think there's some rule today that anyone with a blog has to write something about the iPhone.

I think it's the 28th Amendments: Congress shall make no law that allows for leniency on blogs that do not gush and exude fuel for the iPhone hype machine. (Our economy depends on your disposable income after all.)

And I suppose I could talk about how the iPhone's built in Wi-Fi and easy access to RSS aggregators is going to revolutionize communication and how we get our news.

Or I could go negative and talk about it's hefty price tag and contract, navigation system that forgets to include voice prompts (thus making it useless as a GPS while driving), or it's built in battery pack that comes rated for 300-400 charges with only a one year warranty (365days/yr * 300-400 charges/battery * 1/warranty = you're screwed), or the absence of memory card slots (how about a SD or CF card for us photogs?).

Or I could use the iPhone as the lastest example of the new media to deliver content to and the importance of old media to embrace it or be left behind.

Or I can just make the obvious joke... ahem... Apple released the iPhone earler today to much fan fare... oh, this just in, the iPhone shuffle will be out on Wednesday and will store 500 random numbers at half the price. (zing!)

or... the iPhone is reportedly selling out at some locations, and for the most part it was peaceful, but panick did strike when the first iPhone owners came out of the store and realized they had no one to call... now there are millions of nerds who are desperately seeking phone numbers to put in their iPhone. (pow!)

or... Apple promises the phone can do anything from finding a place to eat to the show times of movies to constantly updated traffic information, not included is the ability to actually call a girl for you to go to that dinner, movie or drive across town. (boom!)

But... I'm feeling a little spry today and I'm thinking I'll have a little fun with it, it's just a phone after all.

So let me now present, without further ado and without any further delay, hmmm... does this look infected... where was I? Oh right, enjoy "A Hard Day's Phone Call"


Me (on phone): So yeah, I'll stop by and pick up some stuff before coming over.

Extreme Office Punk #2: Is that an iPhone?

Me: Uh...

close up on my eyes (first cord from "Hard Days Night")

EOP#2: Oh my god

ME (continuing): .. um...uhhh.....

close up on EOP#2 eyes (first cord from "Hard Days Night")... his eyes go wide... my eyes go wide

(In series of quick cross cuts)

Me (in slow mo): Noo-

EOP#2 (in slow mo): Duuuuudeees--

ME (cont'd): ooo-

EOP#2 (cont'd): heeee's gooot aaan--

ME (cont'd): ooo-

EOP#2 (cont'd): iiii

ME (cont'd): ooo-

EOP#2 (cont'd): phhhoo

ME (cont'd): ooo-

EOP#2 (cont'd): oooo

ME (cont'd): ooo-

EOP#2 (cont'd): ooonneee!!!

(Wide shot as we freeze in place, iPhone in my hand on my side.

Rotating tracking shot on my face and then EOP#2's face as all around us the sound of chairs scratching the ground starts and the sounds of phones, computer keyboards and other office noises stops.

Wide shot, as all around us everyone in the office is now standing up and staring at me, not unlike zombies. No one is moving.

The big clock on the wall moves it's hand and makes a louder than normal *tick in the absence of all the other office noise

The office water cooler makes an audible water bubble gurgle thing (what would you call that?)

A bead of sweat rolls down my brow.

My iPhone rings.

I gasp and look down at it.)

Secretary: It is an iPhone!!!

(I look up in fear)

Bob (lunging forward): iPhone!!!

(I step back and Bob falls to the ground, and person tries to grab it as well, I moves out of reach, then another tackles me and I fall down. Kick myself lose stand up again, backed almost to the wall... (shown in a series of frantic quick cuts)

Pan left to right, see the entire office closing in.

Alex: iPhone!

Sara: iPhone!!

Bob (on ground, say it like a zombie): iiiiphooone!

(I keep backing up until I hit the wall behind me with my hand, it's a window and I pull it up frantically and jump out on to the fire escape.

"It's a Hard Day's Night" plays as I head down the fire escape and continue running though the streets as everyone from the office chases me and onlookers on the street join in as I run by.

The people chasing me are like zombies and only say one thing "iPhone!!!"

Gag#1: I sit on a park bench with a newspaper in my face, the mob runs past me from right to left and I lower the paper to look at them, think I'm smug and smile at the guy next to me. My phone rings and I lose my smile and look fearful again. He tries to grab the phone and I continue running to the right. The mob also returns into the frame and runs left to right.

Gag#2: Running in one door as they chase me and coming out another, then putting a chair in front of the door, then someone hands me a shelf, then a pile of books... then it's revealed that the person handing me the stuff is one of them... chase is on again.

Gag#3: The iPhone starts beeping. I tell everyone to stop. I look at it. "Battery Low" Cut to we're sitting at a cafe as I recharge the battery while everyone is sitting around drinking coffee and waiting. It finishes charging and the chase is on again.

The chase concludes on the edge of a river by a wind mill as the angry mob approaches me saying "iPhone" and carrying torches.

I end up getting knocked back as they approach and I drop the iPhone in the lake. It is destroyed as a current smashes it into a rock.

Everyone calms down, some shake their head, others look around as if unsure of where they are, a women gets up and is knocking the cobwebs loose.

Woman: What was that all about?

Me: The balance of nature.


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